Finding Love and Intimacy Again: Sex and Dating Post-Partner Loss

Senior couple sitting on bench

In the great rollercoaster of life, losing a partner is like hitting an unexpected, heart-wrenching loop. But as the track evens out, many find themselves yearning for something they thought they might never crave again – sex and intimacy. It’s a delicate dance of grief and desire, and navigating this new chapter can feel like learning to waltz in the dark.

Sex therapist Nan Wise hits the nail on the head: “You can feel sad and horny at the same time.” It’s like craving a hearty laugh in the middle of a tear-jerker movie. Grief and sex – individually complex, but combined? They’re like a complicated recipe that doesn’t come with instructions.

Sari Cooper, another sex therapist, points out the taboo around discussing our sex lives and grief. It’s like having an itch you’re not supposed to scratch. Yet, she says, leaning into intimacy can be a balm, a way of returning to life and joy.

Imagine the questions swirling in the minds of older adults. Will I ever feel desire again? How do I let someone see me – really see me – at this age? For those who haven’t tangoed in the sheets for a while, concerns about physical comfort and function add another layer of complexity.

Now, let’s talk judgment. It’s like you’re under a microscope, with people whispering, “Can you believe they’re dating already?” But as Tameca N. Harris-Jackson, a sex therapist with a Ph.D. in human sexuality, puts it, our need for connection doesn’t fade away with the loss of a partner. “Our partners would want us to feel joy, to feel connection,” she says.

Close up of elderly couple holding hands and walking outdoors. Rear view of man and woman holding hands of each other while walking outdoors.

Tips for Rediscovering Sexual Intimacy After Grief

  • Dive into Your Grief: It’s like acknowledging the elephant in the room. Embracing your sadness can open doors to other emotions, including pleasure.
  • Reconnect with Your Body and Mind: Cooper suggests activities that reignite pleasure, like yoga or even a massage class. It’s like tuning an instrument before playing a beautiful melody.
  • Join a Support Group: Finding others who understand your journey can be a safe space for sharing feelings of loneliness and longing. Online platforms can also offer a sense of community and understanding.
  • Self-Love and Exploration: Wise encourages paying attention to your body, especially the parts we often neglect. It’s like reminding yourself that you’re still a sensual being capable of pleasure.
  • Expect Different Desires: According to Harris-Jackson, many older women may prefer casual connections – think dinner dates and physical closeness without heavy commitments. Men, on the other hand, might lean towards finding another life partner for comfort and nurturing.
  • Communication is Key: Share your feelings, anxieties, and even physical concerns with your new partner. It’s like laying the groundwork for a house where everything is out in the open.
  • Health Matters: It’s crucial to consult a doctor about any physical challenges and discuss safe sex practices. We’re talking about everything from using condoms to getting tested for STDs.
  • Embrace Pleasure as a Healthy Part of Life: Wise reminds us that pleasure is not just a luxury; it’s necessary for emotional well-being. Sex, in its healthiest form, can be a part of that.

Cute senior old woman making a heart shape with her hands and fingers

Losing a partner changes the landscape of life in ways unimaginable. But as time moves forward, the desire for connection, touch, and intimacy often re-emerges, gently nudging you towards new possibilities. It’s a journey of rediscovery, where pleasure and joy can bloom once again amidst the echoes of loss. So, to those stepping back into the world of sex and dating after loss, remember: It’s okay to seek joy and connection. Your dance card might have been empty for a while, but there’s always time for a new song.